Mental Blackout

"Technical support, this is Tech Guy, how may I help you?"

"My computer isn't working."

"Okay, could you be a little more specific?"

"It's not working, how much more specific do you need me to be?"

I sigh heavily. I get calls like this on a fairly regular basis, from people who don't know anything other than that their computer isn't working. I spend a significant amount of time with people on the phone just trying to figure out what they're talking about, not actually fixing whatever their problem is.

Luckily, I have established a couple of very fool-proof methods for this type of thing, and the one I chose to use this time is what I like to call the Dumbing Down Manuever. Basically, you make it sound like a worst-case scenario and that drives the client into a panic that forces them to be as specific as possible. Nothing strikes terror into a person's heart like the idea that their entire computer has suddenly become a glorified paper weight. Usually the conversation goes something like this:

Me: So when you press the power button on your computer nothing happens at all?
Client: No, some lights come on.
Me: So you can't see anything on the screen?
Client: No, I can see my icons.
Me: Well what did you mean by it's not working?
Client: When I start Solitaire the backs of the cards look different than what I usually have.

Problem solved, right? But this conversation was different.

"What do you mean, it's not working at all?" I ask drily, "When you press the power button nothing happens?"

But my verbose friend surprises me by saying "No, when I press the power button nothing happens."

Hmmm, interesting. He's ruined my plan because his computer actually isn't working.

"Okay," I said, "Let's start off simple and check the power cables on the computer. Can you reach behind the computer and make sure the power cable is properly connected?"

"Nope, sure can't."

Now I'm getting a little weirded out. Why can't he check that?

"Why can't you check that?"

"It's way back there, I can't reach it."

"Okay, well do you think you could look behind there then, make sure the cable is plugged in properly?"

"Nope, sure can't."

"Um . . . why not?"

"It's too dark."

I repress another heavy sigh. I can't believe I'm really having to walk this guy through Common Sense Skills For Life.

"Okay, can you turn on the lights in the room then?"

"Nope, sure can't."

It's all I can do not to tear my hair out.

"And, um . . . why exactly can't you do that?"

"Because I'm in the middle of a blackout and the power's out in my house."

Sometimes it's just not even worth picking up the telephone.