Ever Fixed A Computer . . . On Weed, Man?

I have written about some unusual happenings and some crazy characters on this blog. After several years in this industry, I've got some great stories to tell. But a guy who came into the office today is, hands down, the winner of my Craziest Person on Earth contest.

A man came through the front door today, and before I looked up from my computer I could smell him. I would guess he hadn't showered in at least a week. He had long, stringy hair and he was so skinny that his clothes draped off his body and looked about five sizes too big. He walked with a stumbling gait, and when he sat down at my desk he plopped into the chair with such force I was worried the legs would break and he would end up on my floor.

"Wassupman?" he said, somehow managing to slur his words and speak quickly at the same time.

"Not much," I replied, "What can I do for you today?" I subtly tried to cover my nose with my hand to block out the stench.

The man leaned over my desk until his face was mere inches from mine. The smell was overpowering. "You wanna buy some weed, dude?" he whispered confidentially.

I stared at him for a full ten seconds, not knowing what to say.

"Excuse me?" I finally managed.

"Some weed. You wanna buy some?"

"Um . . . this is a place of business."

"Come on bro, this is a computer store, you prolly sit around on the computer playing games and smoking weed all day."

"No, I don't," I replied firmly. "I do not play games all day. I do not smoke weed at all. Please leave this office at once or I'll be forced to call the cops."

"Take it easy dude, all you gotta do is say no." The man stumbled out of my chair and out the front door. I watched him shuffle across the street and into the building next door to us - probably to try to sell his wares there - before I picked up the phone and called the cops.

A note to all pot-sellers: if you insist on going door-to-door trying to find a buyer, make sure you don't reek so bad that your potential customers are already getting a garbage-based high.

Mom's Hilarity

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticeda slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flowerand jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. At the command line, try entering C:ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automaticallyrun the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 orBeer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or re-install another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good luck,
Tech Support

Not On Call

Why is it that as soon as a person finds out I'm in the computer industry, they immediately have to talk to me about a problem they're having with their machine?

"What do you do for a living?"

"I repair computers."

"Oh, you wouldn't believe the trouble I've been having with my computer! Every time I try to open Solitaire . . ."

And so it goes. The only time I ever hear from my father anymore is when his computer is broken. He'll call at all hours of the night, too. I'm 24-hour tech support for my family when such disastrous issues arise, such as the inability to download streaming video of a man farting in a hot tub at 3:00 in the morning.

Since technical support is the only industry I've ever worked in, I don't know if other professions experience similar attitudes. For example, if you tell someone you're a lawyer do they immediately ask you for legal advice? If you're a doctor, do they start describing their aches and pains and ask for a prescription right in the middle of the supermarket?

What if you're a garbage collector. Would a person say to you "Oh my goodness, I've got this huge pile of trash in my front yard; would you mind coming to pick it up?"

Or a pizza delivery person. "I'm craving pizza so bad, do you think you could go pick me up a double pepperoni and cheese and come back with it?

I just wish everyone would understand that, just like their professions, I don't want to think about mine outside of the office. I'm there for nine to ten hours a day, and I'll be happy to help anyone who needs it. All I ask is that you let me have the other 14 hours a day in peace without doing across-the-frozen-foods-section tech support.

Sense of Entitlement

Computer technical support can be quite expensive. My standard rate for most repairs is $65 an hour, and often it's much higher depending on the type of service requested. House calls are far more expensive. The parts I use are marked up heavily in price, and I will routinely make upwards of $300 per customer. This is a lucrative business, and people pay these exhorbitant amounts for two reasons: one is that they want quality service, knowing the work will be done correctly. The other reason is that many of them believe they are unable to live happy lives if they can't check their e-mail every five minutes.

Because of the expense, some clients feel a certain sense of entitlement when it comes to their computers. They think that since they're paying so much money, their "quality service" should also be "rapid service" and don't understand that my next three weeks are booked solid with people waiting in line to pay me $300 a pop to fix their computer problems. It's just the way of the world - I can fix any issue you're having (with your computer) but it's going to cost you both money as well as time.

I like to think I'm a very patient person, but one thing I am zero patience with is people who believe that, because they're throwing money around, that gives them any higher priority than anyone else, especially at my company, where everybody gets charged the same.

I preface this tale with all of this information so that you will better understand my anger at this client.

The client in question - who I will refer to as Adolf - came into my office and cut in front of about three or four people in line at my desk. Banging his hands on the edge of my desk, he got his face as close to mine as possible - I could tell the flavor of his breath mint (whiskey-flavored would be my guess) - and roared "You need to fix my computer!"

I looked up in shock, but quickly regained my composure. "Yes sir, I'll be happy to take a look at it, but as you can see there are four other people in line before you. If you'll just wait at the end of the line, I'll be with you as soon as I can."

The man pulls out his wallet and sets $100 bill on the table. "How about now? Can I go to the head of the class?" he asks sarcastically.

"No sir," I answer blandly, ignoring the money on the table, "Now please get in line behind everyone else and wait your turn."

The man adds two more $100 bills from his wallet to the table. "I'm in quite a hurry," he says, staring at me intensely.

"It's not a question of money, sir" I say, not believing that Adolf is doing this in front of the other clients, "It's a question of time. And these people were here before you. If you'd like to wait in line, you're welcome to do so, otherwise you can come back later."

The man's face turns red as he scoops his money off the table. I get the impression that he's been rich his entire life and is used to money solving his inconveniences for him.

"Young man, you are going to get out to my home right now and fix my computer. I'm leaving for Europe in ten minutes and I need my computer fixed!"

I let this hang in the air for a moment.

"You'll be taking your computer with you, then?" I ask.

"No, I'm not taking that thing with me, but I need to check my e-mail before I go and I'm leaving in ten minutes!"

"I'm sorry sir," I say, not feeling sorry at all, "But you'll just have to wait until you get back. Even if I didn't have people in front of you in line, it would take me 10 minutes just to get out there."

The man storms out, probably to one of our competitors, where he'll most likely hear the same thing. If he really is leaving for Europe in 10 minutes, I think he might miss his flight.

What is it about money that makes people think their time is more important than anyone else's? It's too bad that you can't buy manners. And how did this make the other people in line feel? To have someone try to buy their way in front of the, basically saying "My time is more important than your's, and it's because I have money and you don't."

I can see why some techs might be swayed by the idea of netting a non-taxable $300 just for letting a guy cut in line, but for me it's not about the money - I make plenty of money at this job; as I said, my next three weeks are booked solid. It's the kind of situation where common courtesy would have gotten Adolf quite far - the client at my desk was very nice and if Adolf had explained his problem I have no doubts that client would have let Adolf "go to the head of the class." But when you start waving money around and acting like you're better than everyone, it's a lot more difficult to get people to go out of their way to help you.

Basic Information

It's important to know some information about your computer when you call tech support. If your entire call consists of you saying "I have a problem, what's going on?" then odds are you aren't going to get that much help from the tech.

The most important thing to know is which version of Windows you have (assuming you're using the Windows operating system). This is a very basic piece of information that is infinitely valuable to the tech, and which is easy for you to get - all you have to do is turn on the computer and it will display right there for you!

However, some people have trouble with this question for whatever reason. Here are some of my favorite responses to the question "What version of Windows do you have?"

• "I have a Dell computer."
• "It's got Works on it."
• "It's got those little icons that open up windows."
• "The one with the 'Start' button."
• "It's Microsoft."
• "It's Outlook Express."
• "I play Solitaire on it."
• "Windows 87."
• "I bought the computer in 1999."
• "I've got Windows 2000 NT Professional XP Home Edition."
• "My keyboard says Microsoft on it."
• "I've got the blue version." (client was getting a blue error screen when they started the computer)
• "Oh, Frank built this computer for me. Why don't you ask Frank? Do you have Frank's number?"
• "It's Outlook Explorer Express with Netscape."

This is one question everyone should be able to answer on your tech support call. No one reading this blog is allowed to use their computer again until they figure out what version of Windows they have.

Axis of Evil

I think I do a pretty good job of keeping my cool when I'm dealing with someone who is a pain in the ass. It's part of the job - you take abuse, sometimes for hours on end, and the best (and sometimes only) response is to put on your happy face and grin and bear it.

However, there are a few things I won't put up with. Attacks on my family, for one. Excessive profanity is another. And pervasive, excessive rudeness is another. After all, every Tech has his breaking point.

There is a customer on our wireless internet system named Ernie. Ernie is the type of guy who will complain and argue about absolutely anything. Ernie lives with his wife, Ellen, and his 40 year-old son Mark. The predominately use the internet to sit in their basement and play games on Party Poker together. My guess is the three of them are getting together and running the tables to scam people out of their money, because that's just the kind of people they are. Everyone in the family is like Ernie - viciously mean, and irritated at the world.

Yesterday was the last straw with Ernie and the gang.

I answered the phone and before I even finished my greeting, Ernie was screaming at me. His service is down again, and we better fix it right away. I try to walk him through some basic troubleshooting but he refuses to do anything and demands I come out to his house immediately to repair the issue.

"I'd be happy to come out there," I say, "But my schedule is quite full. It's going to be at least two weeks before I'll be able to make it out there, and the cost is going to be $65 per hour. I think if you do this troubleshooting over the phone it should fix the problem right away, and that'll save you some money and some time." This is the truth - I'm swamped, and it will probably be closer to three weeks before I'm able to work him in.

"That's outrageous!" Ernie screams, "I'm paying your paycheck and I demand some service!"

I wonder how many other professions have to deal with people saying things like this. Probably all of them. A parent is upset with a teacher for giving their son a bad grade, so they use the "I'm paying your salary" argument. A guy gets a speeding ticket and tries to pull the same crap on a cop. I wonder if that argument has ever worked for anyone. In any event, it's not working with me.

"Sir," I say through clenched teeth, "You pay $40 per month for all of the services we provide for you. That does not cover house visits, which as I said are $65 per hour, with a minimum charge of one hour. Your $40 a month does, however, include telephone support, which I'm trying to offer you now. You can do what I'm telling you over the phone, or you can wait two weeks and pay me $65 and I'll do it for you."

Ernie is rapidly losing his grip on reality, so he pulls out what I'm sure has been a tried-and-true method for him before: "I've got an ad from one of your competitors right now that says they'll offer me faster service for only $15 a month!"

"God speed," I say to him, "Go! Be free! You were born to fly with the wind, and by 'fly with the wind' I mean 'be thrown from an airplane'."

Okay, that's not what I really said, but I bet it would have felt good to say that. What I said instead was "Then I suggest you look into getting service with that competitor, sir, and I'll cancel your service with us immediately."

Ernie tries to back down at this point, seeing that I'm calling his bluff. Under normal circumstances I'd allow him to do this and reach an amicable decision, but in the case of Ernie, I'm tired of him and don't want to deal with him. Ever again.

"No," I say in response to him saying he would like to keep service with our company, "You're obviously dissatisfied with our service, I think the best thing would be for us to come remove our equipment so you can go with a different provider. Besides, none of our techs like talking to you anyway."

Ernie splutters a little bit, and threatens to call the F.C.C. on our company for the poor service and ridiculously high rates, but I hang up on him. I rarely do that, but in Ernie's case I'll make a special exception.

He may pay $40 of my salary each month, but I'm going to have to raise his rate if he wants to use me as his anger management counseling. Therapists charge a lot more than an internet service provider does.

How Should I Know?

The last couple of days up here have been really slow. Although slow periods make you feel good, because it means you've been doing your job well and no one's having any problems, it also is kind of unfortunate because you are forced to live on your salary alone instead of the extra cash you bring in for actually doing repairs.

I'm sitting at my desk, going for the new high score on Minesweeper, when the phone rings for the first time in about 20 minutes. When it's slow like this, the techs fight over who gets to answer the phone; sitting at your desk playing Minesweeper for hours is all well and good, but it makes the shift seem as though it's never going to end.

I jockey with the other 15 techs in the office for the phone and come out ahead, picking up the line and slipping my headset on in one deft motion.

"Technical support," I say with a flourish, "How may I help you?"

"Yeah," says the gruff voice on the other end, "I'm still having the same damn problem as before!"

I don't say anything. Lots of calls start off like this, with unbridled anger from the client. At least 50% of my job is just getting the person on the line to calm down and not freak out about the issue that they're having.

But instead of continuing to explain the problem, the client waits on the phone in silence. After about 45 seconds of no talking, I finally say something.

"Are you there?"

"Yeah I'm here! What are you doing to fix my problem?"

"What problem is that, sir?"

The client is flustered. "The same problem I was having before!"

"And what problem is that, sir?"

"Aren't you the one I just talked to?"

I look around the office again. There's a cluster of techs checking results from the Olympics. There's another talking on his cell phone to his wife. Behind me, there's two techs at the water cooler finalizing their plans for the weekend in hushed voices (they still think their inter-office romance is a secret). I put my client on hold.

"Hey," I shout to the office, "Has anyone been on the phone with a client in about the last half hour?" My question is met with head-shaking and verbal denial. I pick the phone back up.

"No sir, I wasn't the one you were just talking to, but I'll be happy to help you out."

"Well, I'd rather talk to the young lady I was speaking with before, since she already knows what's going on."

"That'll be fine sir, do you know her name?"

"Well how should I know? You're the one that works there!"

"That's true," I sigh heavily, "But we have eight ladies in this office right now, and at least six of them could be considered 'young' so I'm not sure who you're referring to." I'm trying to make the situation more lighthearted, and failing miserably.

"Well you need to find her," my client says, "She's the one I talked to two weeks ago!"

"So when you say you 'just' talked to someone, you mean you talked to them two weeks ago?"

"Could've been three, I guess."

The company I work for is not a huge one, but our total number of tech support employees is in the 40s. Even if it wasn't and I was the only employee in the building, why would someone assume I could remember their problem from two to three weeks ago? If the client can't even remember the name of the tech he spoke to, how would I remember anything about him?

Assuming I had a photographic memory and actually could remember his problem, how exactly does he expect me to recall it if he doesn't even give me his name? Am I now expected to have a photographic memory and be a mind-reader?

Just a note to everyone who uses tech support - I have no idea what your name is or what problem you're having, even if you talked to me two minutes ago. When we hang that phone up, we immediately wash our minds of everything that just happened on the phone. Every time you call tech support, just assume you're going to have to start at the very beginning and you'll be pleasantly surprised if we actually do remember you.